A Love Story About Divorce

Our Story

This is a love story about separation and divorce: how we parted after twenty-five years of marriage in a way that allowed us to honor what we had shared, forgive each other the pain we had caused and still remain good friends.

We met in the late '60s on the South Pacific island Territory of Guam where we had arrived with other partners from the opposite ends of the earth. We worked together in a cross-cultural mental health center that we both helped to develop and, as sometimes happens, mutual respect and admiration turned into love. We did our best to be kind and considerate when we decided to leave our other relationships to be with each other. However, looking back, we now realize that our partings from our partners were not as conscious as they could have been. Both of us vowed to do our best to never cause such pain again.

We moved back to California in the early '70s and found mental health jobs in Bakersfield, California, where we lived and worked during our entire marriage. Barbara created one of the country's early innovative psychiatric emergency services and then moved on to teach psychiatric nursing at a community college. Phil developed and administered alcohol treatment programs until he achieved enough success to change careers and work full time as a freelance writer.

For the first ten years of our marriage, we lived an ordinary and traditional family life. Though we could not have children of our own (after our child died as a newborn on Guam), during summers and holidays we coparented Phil's children, a boy and a girl, who lived with their mother in South Carolina.

In 1983, our life together began to change with a renewal of vows to celebrate our ten-year anniversary. What began as a sentimental reenactment became a searching re-examination of our relationship and marriage. We discovered that in critical areas of our lives - work, spirituality and sexuality - we had drifted apart. Although it was impractical to work together as we had in the earlier years, we wanted to find more creative ways to enhance sex and share spirit. Thus began a journey of personal growth as a couple that we continue separately even today. For the next fourteen years, we explored many traditional and non- traditional forms of spirit, growth and change. These included Christianity, psychotherapy, Jungian analysis, 12-step self-help groups, couples work, Tantra and Quodoshka (disciplines combining spirituality and sexuality), Marriage Encounter, shamanic work, Buddhist Vipassna meditation, workshops with prominent spiritual teachers (such as Richard Moss, Stephen and Ondrea Levine, Jean Houston and Carolyn Myss), energetic therapies and the Pathwork of Transformation. We also experimented with other relationships and even lived for a time apart, across the swimming pool in the same apartment complex. For the last four years of our marriage, we purchased and created a home together as a reflection of the best we had shared.

We're often asked why our marriage failed, given the quality of our relationship. The simple answer is, it didn't. Even though its ending was painful, our marriage to us was a success. We relate with noted anthropologist Margaret Mead who, when asked why her three marriages had failed, replied that, to the contrary, all three had been successful, each in its own time. We believe in relationship and marriage as a path toward wholeness, Self and Spirit. In all the years of our searching and experimentation, our relationship was characterized by a commitment to do our best to love each other's desires as our own. This commitment is epitomized in a quotation by Jungian analyst Marie Louise von Franz: "Fidelity is loyalty to the true essence, the inner heart of the other." Even in the midst of the grief and pain of our parting, when loving the other's desire ultimately meant letting go of our marriage, we did our best to remain faithful to each other's true essence. Both of us wanted to part as consciously and lovingly as possible, and from that intent we created a parting ceremony which proved an expression of the very best of our union and helped us heal and remain good friends.

A Healing Divorce

We've all read the statistics: "Every thirteen seconds, someone gets divorced. Each year, in the United States alone, over one million families experience divorce. Every year, for every two couples that get married, one couple gets divorced" (Ahrons 1994, p. v). This 50% divorce rate is often interpreted as evidence of the failure of marriage as an institution. We disagree. Many reasons account for the increased divorce rate, including the fact that most people live - and find themselves living together - decades longer than they did even a century ago. Regardless of why so many people divorce, however, we would argue that if half of the couples who marry, sooner or later decide to divorce, then divorce can no longer be described as "abnormal". And, if divorce has become "normal"- as normal, say, as second marriages-perhaps we shouldn't be surprised that people who divorce are trying to find ways, including ritual, to make a painful process less destructive and more healing.

Not everyone believes this is possible. When you think about it, such skepticism really isn't surprising. Ours is a happily-ever- after world where songs, books and movies overwhelm us with fantasies of romance. Love is expected to last forever and, when it doesn't, hurt and disappointment suggest that somebody must have done somebody wrong. Just as we've all come to expect certain feelings and behaviors as part of romance, so we expect that if a love affair or a marriage ends, it will result in what we call the ABCs of separation and divorce: accusation, bitterness, conflict; acrimony, blaming, contempt.

We also live in a society where an adversarial legal system promotes an "us vs. them" mentality. In the context of divorce, this usually becomes "me vs. him or her" Conflict and contempt typically lead to court, where one side must lose for the other to win. There may be a momentary satisfaction in winning. But when you "defeat" someone you've lived with and loved for many years, who may be the mother or father of your children, is it any wonder that such a "victory" feels Pyrrhic, and that the guilt and regret that follow may have a crippling effect on the rest of your life?

Consider also the effects of such conflict on your children. Research over the last decade has shown that while divorce may be a relief to one or both partners, children suffer from the break- up of a family. They're never really prepared for it. But it is unbearable from a child's point of view when the conflict between parents doesn't end and may even escalate. In a separation or divorce, marital anger is often difficult to contain and sometimes spills over onto children with potentially devastating effects. Some of the most poignant responses to our parting ceremony came from adults who had been children of a divorce. One wistful college student we spoke to said, I wish my parents had been able to do something like this; my life sure would have been different. (See more about children in Chapter 6.)

If all this isn't difficult enough, because we're only human and live in a tabloid culture, many of us also fall victim to Schadenfreude. This German word describes the perverse pleasure people sometimes get from the suffering of others; misery loves company and, hey, my divorce was hell, so how could yours be any better - why should it be?

Taken all together, the disappointments of romance, the conflicts inherent in the adversarial legal system and our temptation to Shadenfreude have combined to create what we call The Myth of the Bad Divorce. That is, all divorces are by definition acrimonious. We are to expect the worst of each other, accept the worst of ourselves, and consider wounding, destructive conflict as normal. Unfortunately, when people in marital crisis buy into this myth, it often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. But it doesn't have to be.

A lot of evidence - not as well known yet as it might be - suggests that many couples manage separation and divorce with a minimum of conflict. In The Good Divorce, Constance Ahrons (1994) noted that 50% of divorced couples she interviewed were either "Perfect Pals" for whom the disappointments of a failed marriage didn't overshadow the positive elements of a long- standing relationship, or are Co-operative Colleaguesli who, while not close friends, are co-operated quite well around issues that concerned [their] children. (p.5). In his unique book Lost Lovers, Found Friends, Scott Nelson (1991) found that many couples after divorce continued to be friends or desired to establish more friendly relations with their ex-partners.

Why such a discrepancy between the Myth of the Bad Divorce and the real-life experience of so many people in post- divorce studies, not to mention the people we interviewed for this book? Could it be that many separating and divorcing couples are already doing their best to part with a minimum of conflict and a maximum of healing? We believe so. We also know that a number of them are using ritual and ceremony as a way to help facilitate that process.

The fact that you now hold this book in your hands is proof that some people believe a healing divorce is both desirable and possible. We disagree with those who insist that this runs counter to human nature, which during divorce, they believe, is likely to turn unconscious, selfish and brutal. When we show skeptics the video of our parting ceremony and tell them about others who have brought healing to their own divorce, they insist that all of these are special cases involving special people; that is, educated affluent folks, with years of therapy behind them. Surely, normal everyday people cannot do this. What we suspect, however, is that they, or someone they know, has suffered through the ABCs of divorce and cannot imagine another, different way. We hope that the stories in this book told by people who have used ritual and ceremony in the service of a healing divorce will change this attitude and encourage partings that are gentler, more creative, humane and life affirming.

Some people we've talked to have even suggested that helping people create and perform parting ceremonies might actually encourage divorce by making it easier to bear. We disagree with that, too. No parting ceremony can spare a divorcing couple the inevitable pain of loss and grief. We find it hard to believe that the anticipation of a ritual, no matter how healing, would make anyone's decision to divorce easier. On the other hand, once such a decision has been made, wouldn't it be more constructive for everyone involved if couples could part with a minimum of conflict and a maximum of healing?

Because of the many negative attitudes about divorce prevalent in our society, a healing divorce may seem like an oxymoron. If you're skeptical, or cynical, or even feel a bit angry, that's all right. The Myth of the Bad Divorce is mighty powerful. But its power is waning. Here's our advice: ignore the nay-sayers and follow your heart. It's true, divorce can be a harsh and painful reality. Sadly, we've all been conditioned to expect the worst. But even if you feel like the walking wounded, divorcing doesn't have to imitate The War of the Roses. Our experience, and the experience of others whose stories you'll read in this book, leads us to believe that, with the help of ritual, you can end your relationship with truth, love, care and forgiveness. No, it's not always easy, but we believe that you - and your children - will find it worth the effort. As you try to decide if a healing divorce is worthwhile for you, here are some questions to ask:

Did you love your partner?
Did you share a life together?
Was some of it wonderful and worth remembering?
Do you grieve his loss, or hers?
Do you care about your children's emotional well- being?
Do you care about your own?
Do you want to go on with your life?
Learn from your experience?
Bring more consciousness to a new relationship?
Do you prefer healing over conflict, peace over power, forgiveness over vengeance?

Despite the pain and anger you may feel, if you're like most people you probably answered, yes, to all of these questions. Doesn't it make sense, then, to do what you can to bring healing to the end of your relationship? Certainly, you may feel grief, fear, anger, jealousy - all the familiar emotions that make divorce so painful and difficult. But if you're willing, ritual can help end your relationship with integrity and honor in a ceremony that often proves as meaningful as the wedding that began the marriage.

Sound too good to be true? You bet, but only in the context of a culture that promotes the Myth of the Bad Divorce. Instead of Schadenfreude and legal battles where there are ultimately no winners, imagine a world where we could genuinely celebrate ceremonies of parting in which the goodness of a past relationship is carefully honored, difficult present feelings are truthfully shared and the future is gracefully accepted.

You Can Do It, Too

First, let's consider a harsh reality. For all those who will divorce, it's important to remember that your parting is already destined to end in ritual. Whether it's a two minute conversation or a full-blown hearing, divorce court is the ritual way we end marriages in our society. Despite the fact that this is about your life, you will probably have little or no say in the matter. Most likely, only your lawyer will be allowed to speak. This cold, impersonal legal routine too many times devolves into another ritual - bloody combat. True, you may arrange to escape the unpleasantness of court, but don't fool yourself. Even if all you do is sign the papers your lawyer puts in front of you, you are participating in a ritual. The question isn't if you'll end your marriage with ritual - law and society have decreed it to be so. The only question is what kind of ritual will it be?

Contrast the way things are now with an ideal we share with Ahrons (1994), presented in The Good Divorce.

Couples would have a brief, quiet gathering involving the children. They could speak about the good things the marriage brought them, and the necessity for parting now. Each person could say what they wanted from their new situation, if this were possible to do without too much bitterness, and pledge that they will try not to bad-mouth one another. The children could be told that this was not their fault. Most importantly, these parents would say to themselves, their children, their friends and extended families, as well as to the community around them, that they are committed to continuing to raise their children in a healthy family, albeit one in which they live in a different household. (p.70)

We first thought about writing a book when we couldn't find anyone to advise us about creating a ritual like this to help end our own relationship. Oh, there are lots of books about the emotional and legal realities of break-up and divorce, many of them cynical, nasty and flip, some quite thoughtful and helpful. (We've included the latter in the Appendix.) But we could find virtually nothing about divorce rituals or ceremonies of parting. Our friends, many of them healing professionals, thought a ceremony of parting sounded good in principle but had no idea what it might look like. Even Stephen and Ondrea Levine's (1995) Embracing the Beloved, where we first came across the idea, only mentions a parting ceremony in passing and offers few specifics. We have since found more complete examples and models, which we'll share with you (see Chapter 11), but during the emotional throes of parting, we had neither the time nor the energy to do extensive research. We could certainly have used guidance and examples of how others had accomplished a healing divorce.

Separations and divorces usually proceed from the decision of one partner to leave (often by an announcement that the relationship is over), through pain and conflict to some form of parting, usually a legal proceeding in a courtroom. We have organized this book to reflect that common sequence of events.

As you read the personal stories people have shared, you will have an opportunity to reflect on how others have used healing ritual, either with a partner or individually. We believe all concerned, including children, benefit when both partners participate in a divorce ritual, so we emphasize parting ceremonies created and performed by a couple. Yet we also know from both personal experience and our research that this ideal is often difficult to achieve - though not, perhaps, as difficult as the Myth of the Bad Divorce would have you believe. Remember, you can do a ritual or ceremony by yourself. Many rituals included here have been performed by one partner, usually with friends. If that is your circumstance, you can easily adapt what you'll read here to your own needs. Even if your partner chooses not to participate, you can still bring consciousness to your parting and healing to your divorce. We believe this is especially important if you are a single parent with children.

In Chapter Two, we describe conscious parting and discuss the process of parting through divorce, a "crazy time" filled with wild, fluctuating emotions and gnawing ambivalence. Your experience, perceptions and feelings about parting will differ depending on whether you see yourself as the one leaving or the one who has been left. We suggest different ways partners can work with their feelings to keep an open heart. We talk about the confusion caused by the involvement of a third party and offer some suggestions about how to deal with such a difficult situation. We also talk about shadows, those aspects of ourselves we dislike and have disowned - rage, jealousy, deceit, revenge, and other "negative" emotions - which often erupt from the unconscious during the stress of separation and divorce. How can you deal with the temptation to blame your partner to justify the parting? What value is honesty-with-discernment? We also describe the advantages of slowing down the process of divorce and why both partners need to take 100% responsibility for their part in the break-up.

In Chapter Three, we discuss divorce in the context of the Christian and Jewish traditions, offering reflections from clergy on the question, "is divorce a sin?" We present alternative points of view and describe how rituals of divorce and parting ceremonies are currently used in church and synagogue.

In Chapter Four, we explain how to prepare a parting ceremony, with or without your partner, using our own experience and the experience of others to decide about right timing and different practical matters - place, making time and space sacred, whom to invite, music and clothing.

In Chapter Five, we discuss performing the ritual itself, including how to develop a tribute to your relationship, how to let go of the past with gratitude, how to let go of the future of the marriage with acceptance and how to work toward and express forgiveness. Finally, we suggest ways to symbolize the parting, as well as vows and commitments you might make for the future, either individually or as a couple.

In Chapter Six, we talk about the effects of divorce on children and offer a model for including them in your parting ceremony.

In Chapter Seven, we offer a step-by-step outline to help you prepare and perform your parting ceremony.

In Chapter Eight, we explore the promise and pitfalls of transforming your marriage into a friendship.

In Chapter Nine, people who have witnessed a ceremony talk about what it meant to them.

In Chapter Ten, the people who told their stories tell what has happened since and where are they now in their lives.

In Chapter Eleven, we offer examples of parting rituals and ceremonies from a variety of traditions.

In the Appendix, we offer information about books and contacts you may find helpful as you plan for a healing divorce.

Between each chapter is a personal story or two by a couple or an individual who created and performed a ceremony or ritual to bring consciousness to their parting and healing to their divorce. In these stories you will find borne out what research suggests: the critical factor isn't the parting itself, but how you go about it. When trying to effect a positive transition in your relationship, the way you make the change is even more important than the change itself. To that end, we have also included recommendations for activities that will contribute to a conscious parting and a healing divorce.

Writing this book has been an inspiring process. It has also been part of our healing. We have learned more about ourselves even as we learned from the experience of so many others who successfully struggled to find a better way to end their relationships. We now know that there are churches and synagogues where you can find spiritual guidance for this process. Given such examples and support, it's all the more possible to create your parting in any way you choose. As Alan Cohen (1999) said in Happily Even After, although pain is a given "suffering is optional". Grieving loss is to be expected, but who's to say that you must separate in anger or guilt, or that you can't go on to enjoy a friendship that lasts a lifetime?

Ritual is one of the most creative ways to transition from being married or living together to being single - and perhaps being friends. It can harness the tension and pain rolling through your life and transform them into the positive emotional energy you need to gain new awareness, promote healing and initiate the delicate process of growth. Rage, conflict and revenge need not damage your heart and the hearts of your children or compromise your future relationships. The more conscious you can make your parting, the more life affirming the end of your relationship will be for you, for your family and for the world.

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