.
A
Love Story About Divorce
Our
Story
This
is a love story about separation and divorce: how we parted after
twenty-five years of marriage in a way that allowed us to honor
what we had shared, forgive each other the pain we had caused and
still remain good friends.
We
met in the late '60s on the South Pacific island Territory of Guam
where we had arrived with other partners from the opposite ends
of the earth. We worked together in a cross-cultural mental health
center that we both helped to develop and, as sometimes happens,
mutual respect and admiration turned into love. We did our best
to be kind and considerate when we decided to leave our other relationships
to be with each other. However, looking back, we now realize that
our partings from our partners were not as conscious as they could
have been. Both of us vowed to do our best to never cause such pain
again.
We
moved back to California in the early '70s and found mental health
jobs in Bakersfield, California, where we lived and worked during
our entire marriage. Barbara created one of the country's early
innovative psychiatric emergency services and then moved on to teach
psychiatric nursing at a community college. Phil developed and administered
alcohol treatment programs until he achieved enough success to change
careers and work full time as a freelance writer.
For
the first ten years of our marriage, we lived an ordinary and traditional
family life. Though we could not have children of our own (after
our child died as a newborn on Guam), during summers and holidays
we co-parented Phil's children, a boy and a girl, who lived with
their mother in South Carolina.
In 1983,
our life together began to change with a renewal of vows to celebrate
our ten-year anniversary. What began as a sentimental reenactment
became a searching re-examination of our relationship and marriage.
We discovered that in critical areas of our lives — work, spirituality
and sexuality — we had drifted apart. Although it was impractical
to work together as we had in the earlier years, we wanted to find
more creative ways to enhance sex and share spirit. Thus began a
journey of personal growth as a couple that we continue separately
even today. For the next fourteen years, we explored many traditional
and non-traditional forms of spirit, growth and change. These included
Christianity, psychotherapy, Jungian analysis, 12-step self-help
groups, couples work, Tantra and Quodoshka (disciplines combining
spirituality and sexuality), Marriage Encounter, shamanic work,
Buddhist Vipassna meditation, workshops with prominent spiritual
teachers (such as Richard Moss, Stephen and Ondrea Levine, Jean
Houston and Carolyn Myss), energetic therapies and the Pathwork
of Transformation. We also experimented with other relationships
and even lived for a time apart, across the swimming pool in the
same apartment complex. For the last four years of our marriage,
we purchased and created a home together as a reflection of the
best we had shared.
We're
often asked why our marriage failed, given the quality of our relationship.
The simple answer is, it didn't. Even though its ending was painful,
our marriage to us was a success. We relate with noted anthropologist
Margaret Mead who, when asked why her three marriages had failed,
replied that, to the contrary, all three had been successful, each
in its own time. We believe in relationship and marriage as a path
toward wholeness, Self and Spirit. In all the years of our searching
and experimentation, our relationship was characterized by a commitment
to do our best to love each other's desires as our own. This commitment
is epitomized in a quotation by Jungian analyst Marie Louis von
Franz: "Fidelity is loyalty to the true essence, the inner
heart of the other." Even in the midst of the grief and pain
of our parting, when loving the other's desire ultimately meant
letting go of our marriage, we did our best to remain faithful to
each other's true essence. Both of us wanted to part as consciously
and lovingly as possible, and from that intent we created a parting
ceremony which proved an expression of the very best of our union
and helped us heal and remain good friends.
.
A
Healing Divorce
We've
all read the statistics: "Every thirteen seconds, someone gets
divorced. Each year, in the United States alone, over one million
families experience divorce. Every year, for every two couples that
get married, one couple gets divorced." (Ahrons, 1994, p. v).
This 50% divorce rate is often interpreted as evidence of the failure
of marriage as an institution. We disagree. Many reasons account
for the increased divorce rate, including the fact that most people
live — and find themselves living together — decades longer than
they did even a century ago. Regardless of why so many people divorce,
however, we would argue that if half of the couples who marry, sooner
or later decide to divorce, then divorce can no longer be described
as "abnormal." And, if divorce has become "normal"—
as normal, say, as second marriages—perhaps we shouldn't be surprised
that people who divorce are trying to find ways, including ritual,
to make a painful process less destructive and more healing.
Not
everyone believes this is possible. When you think about it, such
skepticism really isn't surprising. Ours is a happily-ever-after
world where songs, books and movies overwhelm us with fantasies
of romance. Love is expected to last forever and, when it doesn't,
hurt and disappointment suggest that somebody must have done somebody
wrong. Just as we've all come to expect certain feelings and behaviors
as part of romance, so we expect that if a love relationship ends,
whether it be a love affair or a marriage, that will result in what
we call the ABCs of separation and divorce—accusation, bitterness,
conflict; acrimony, blaming, contempt.
We
also live in a society where an adversarial legal system promotes
an "us
vs. them" mentality. In the context of divorce, this usually
becomes "me vs. him or her." Conflict and contempt typically
lead to court, where one side must lose for the other to win. There
may be a momentary satisfaction in winning. But when you "defeat"
someone you've lived with and loved for many years, who may be the
mother or father of your children, is it any wonder that such a
"victory" feels pyrrhic, and that the guilt and regret
that follow may have a crippling effect on the rest of your life?
Consider
also the effects of such conflict on your children. Research over
the last decade has shown that while divorce may be a relief to
one or both partners, children suffer from the break-up of a family.
They’re never really prepared for it. But it is all but unbearable
from a child's point of view when the conflict between parents doesn't
end, and may even escalate. In a separation or divorce, marital
anger is often difficult to contain and sometimes spills over onto
children, with potentially devastating effects. Some of the most
poignant responses to our parting ceremony came from adults who
had been children of a divorce. One wistful college student we spoke
to said, "I wish my parents had been able to do something like
this; my life sure would have been different." (See more about
children in Chapter 6.)
If
all this isn't difficult enough, because we're only human and live
in a tabloid culture, many of us also fall victim to schadenfreude.
This German word describes the perverse pleasure people sometimes
get from the suffering of others; misery loves company and, hey,
my divorce was hell, so how could yours be any better — why should
it be?
Taken
all together, the disappointments of romance, the conflicts inherent
in the adversarial legal system and our temptation to shadenfreude
have combined to create what we call The Myth of the Bad Divorce.
That is, all divorces are by definition acrimonious. We are to expect
the worst of each other, accept the worst of ourselves, and consider
wounding, destructive conflict as normal. Unfortunately, when people
in marital crisis buy into this myth, it often becomes a self-fulfilling
prophecy. But it doesn't have to be.
A
lot of evidence — not as well known yet as it might be — suggests
that many couples manage separation and divorce with a minimum of
conflict. In The Good Divorce (1994), Constance Ahrons
noted that 50% of divorced couples she interviewed were either "Perfect
Pals," for whom "the disappointments of a failed marriage
didn't overshadow the positive elements of a long-standing relationship,"
or "Co-operative
Colleagues" who, while not close friends, "co-operated
quite well around issues that concerned [their] children" (p.5).
In his unique book Lost Lovers, Found Friends, Scott Nelson
(1991) wrote that "a 1988 dissertation study of post-divorce
relationships ... revealed that nearly 50% of the people interviewed
reported ‘friendly’ feelings for their ex-spouses, and that at least
25% of the total group had contact at least once a week" (p.
13).
Why
such a discrepancy between the Myth of the Bad Divorce and the real-life
experience of so many people in post-divorce studies, not to mention
the people we interviewed for this book? Could it be that many separating
and divorcing couples are already doing their best to part with
a minimum of conflict and a maximum of healing? We believe so. We
also know that a number of them are using ritual and ceremony as
a way to help facilitate that process.
The
fact that you now hold this book in your hands is proof that
some people believe a healing divorce is both desireable and possible.
We disagree with those who insist that this runs counter to human
nature, which during divorce is likely to turn unconscious, selfish
and brutal. When we show skeptics the video of our parting ceremony
and tell them about others who have brought healing to their own
divorce, they insist that all of these are special cases involving
special people, that is, educated affluent folks, with years of
therapy behind them. Surely, normal, everyday people cannot do this.
What we suspect, however, is that they, or someone they know, has
suffered through the ABCs of divorce and cannot imagine another,
different way. We hope that the stories in this book told by people
who have used ritual and ceremony in the service of a healing divorce
will change this attitude and encourage partings that are gentler,
more creative, life affirming and humane.
Some
people we've talked to have even suggested that helping people create
and perform parting ceremonies might actually encourage divorce
by making it easier to bear. We disagree with that, too. No parting
ceremony can spare the inevitable pain of loss and grief. We find
it hard to believe that the anticipation of a ritual, no matter
how healing, would make anyone's decision to divorce easier. On
the other hand, once such a decision has been made, wouldn’t it
be more constructive for everyone involved if couples could part
with a minimum of conflict and a maximum of healing?
Because
of the many negative attitudes about divorce prevalent in our society,
a healing divorce may seem like an oxymoron. If you're skeptical,
or cynical, or even feel a bit angry, that’s all right. The Myth
of the Bad Divorce is mighty powerful. But its power is waning.
Here's our advice: ignore the nay-sayers and follow your heart.
It's true, divorce can be a harsh and painful reality. Sadly, we've
all been conditioned to expect the worst. But even if you feel like
the walking wounded, divorcing doesn't have to imitate The War
of the Roses. Our experience, and the experience of others whose
stories you'll read in this book, leads us to believe that, with
the help of ritual, you can end your relationship with truth, love,
care and forgiveness. No, it's not always easy, but we believe that
you —and your children — will find it worth the effort. As you try
to decide if a healing divorce is worthwhile for you, here are some
questions to ask.
Did
you love your partner?
Did
you share a life together?
Was
some of it wonderful and worth remembering?
Do
you grieve his loss, or hers?
Do
you care about your children's emotional well-being?
Do
you care about your own?
Do
you want to go on with your life? Learn from your experience? Bring
more consciousness to a new relationship?
Do
you prefer healing over conflict, peace over power, forgiveness
over vengeance?
Despite
the pain and anger you may feel, if you're like most people you
probably answered "yes" to all of these questions. Doesn't
it make sense, then, to do what you can to bring healing to the
end of your relationship? Certainly, you may feel grief, fear, anger,
jealousy — all the familiar emotions that make divorce seem so painful
and difficult. But if you're willing, ritual can help end your relationship
with integrity and honor in a ceremony that often proves as meaningful
as the wedding that began the marriage.
Sound
too good to be true? You bet, but only in the context of a culture
that promotes the Myth of the Bad Divorce. Instead of schadenfreude
and legal battles where there are ultimately no winners, imagine
a world where we could genuinely celebrate ceremonies of parting
in which the goodness of a past relationship is carefully honored,
difficult present feelings are truthfully shared and the future
is gracefully accepted.
.
.
You
Can Do It, Too
First,
let's consider a harsh reality. For all those who will divorce,
it’s important to remember that your parting is already destined
to end in ritual. Whether it's a two minute conversation or a full-blown
court trial, a divorce hearing is the ritual way we end marriages
in our society. Despite the fact that this is about your life, you
will probably have little or no say in the matter. Most likely only
your lawyer will be allowed to speak. This cold, impersonal legal
routine too many times devolves into another ritual — bloody combat.
True, you may arrange to escape the unpleasantness of court, but
don't fool yourself. Even if all you do is sign the papers your
lawyer puts in front of you, you are participating in a ritual.
The question isn't if you'll end your marriage with ritual
— law and society have decreed it to be so. The only question is,
what kind of ritual will it be?
Couples would
have a brief, quiet gathering involving the children. They
could speak about the good things the marriage brought them,
and the necessity for parting now. Each person could say what
they wanted from their new situation, if this were possible
to do without too much bitterness, and pledge that they will
try not to bad-mouth one another. The children could be told
that this was not their fault. Most importantly, these parents
would say to themselves, their children, their friends and
extended families, as well as to the community around them,
that they are committed to continuing to raise their children
in a healthy family, albeit one in which they live in a different
household (p.70).
We
first thought about writing a book when we couldn't find anyone
to advise us about creating a ritual like this to help end our own
relationship. Oh, there are lots of books about the emotional and
legal realities of break-up and divorce, many of them cynical, nasty
and flip, some quite thoughtful and helpful (we've included the
latter in the Appendix). But we could find virtually nothing about
divorce rituals or ceremonies of parting. Our friends, many of them
healing professionals, thought a ceremony of parting sounded good
in principle but had no idea what it might look like. Even Stephen
and Ondrea Levine's Embracing the Beloved, where we first
came across the idea, only mentions a parting ceremony in passing
and offers few specifics. We have since found more complete examples
and models, which we'll share with you (see Chapter 11), but during
the emotional throes of parting, we had neither the time nor the
energy to do extensive research. We could certainly have used guidance
and examples of how others had accomplished a healing divorce.
Separations
and divorces usually proceed from the decision of one partner to
leave (often by an announcement that the relationship is over),
through pain and conflict to some form of parting, usually a legal
proceeding in a courtroom. We have organized this book to reflect
that common sequence of events.
As
you read the personal stories people have shared, you will have
an opportunity to reflect on how others have used healing ritual,
either with a partner or individually.
We believe
all concerned, including children, benefit when both partners participate
in a divorce ritual, so we emphasize parting ceremonies created
and performed by a couple. Yet we also know from both personal experience
and our research that this ideal is often difficult to achieve —
though not, perhaps, as difficult as the Myth of the Bad Divorce
would have you believe. Remember, you can do a ritual or ceremony
by yourself. Many rituals included here have been performed by one
partner, usually with friends. If that is your circumstance, you
can easily adapt what you’ll read here to your own needs. Even if
your partner chooses not to participate, you can still bring consciousness
to your parting and healing to your divorce. We believe this is
especially important if you are a single parent with children.
In
Chapter Two, we describe conscious parting and discuss the process
of parting through divorce, a "crazy time" filled with
wild, fluctuating emotions and gnawing ambivalence. Your experience,
perceptions and feelings about parting will differ depending on
whether you see yourself as the one leaving or the one who has been
left. We suggest different ways partners can work with their feelings
to keep an open heart. We talk about the confusion caused by the
involvement of a third party and offer some suggestions about how
to deal with such a difficult situation. We also talk about shadows,
those aspects of ourselves we dislike and have disowned — rage,
jealousy, deceit, revenge, and other "negative" emotions
— which often erupt from the unconscious during the stress of separation
and divorce. How can you deal with the temptation to blame your
partner to justify the parting? What value is honesty-with-discernment?
We also describe the advantages of slowing down the process of divorce
and why both partners need to take 100% responsibility for their
part in the break-up.
In
Chapter Three, we discuss divorce in the context of the Christian
and Jewish traditions, offering reflections from clergy on the question,
is divorce a sin? We present alternative points of view and describe
how rituals of divorce and parting ceremonies are currently used
in church and synagogue.
In
Chapter Four, we explain how to prepare a parting ceremony, with
or without your partner, using our own experience and the experience
of others to decide about right timing and different practical matters
— place, making time and space sacred, whom to invite, music and
clothes.
In
Chapter Five, we discuss performing the ritual itself, including
how to develop a tribute to your relationship, how to let go of
the past with gratitude, how to let go of the future of the marriage
with acceptance and how to work toward and express forgiveness.
Finally, we suggest ways to symbolize the parting, as well as vows
and commitments you might make for the future, either individually
or as a couple.
In
Chapter Six, we talk about the effects of divorce on children and
offer a model for including them in your parting ceremony.
In
Chapter Seven, we offer a step-by-step outline to help you prepare
and perform your parting ceremony.
In
Chapter Eight, we explore the promise and pitfalls of transforming
your marriage into a friendship.
In
Chapter Nine, people who have witnessed a ceremony talk about what
it meant to them.
In
Chapter Ten, we update events in the stories. What happened to the
people who parted, and where are they now in their lives?
In
Chapter Eleven, we offer examples of parting rituals and ceremonies
from a variety of traditions.
In
the Appendix, we offer information about books and contacts you
may find helpful as you plan for a healing divorce.
Between
each chapter is a personal story or two by a couple or an individual
who created and performed a ceremony or ritual to bring consciousness
to their parting and healing to their divorce. In these stories
you will find borne out what research suggests: the critical factor
isn't the parting itself, but how you go about it. When trying
to effect a positive transition in your relationship, the way you
make the change is even more important than the change itself. To
that end, we have also included recommendations for activities that
will contribute to a conscious parting and a healing divorce.
.
Writing
this book has been an inspiring process. It has also been part of
our healing. We have learned more about ourselves even as we learned
from the experience of so many others who successfully struggled
to find a better way to end their relationships. We now know that
there are churches and synagogues where you can find spiritual guidance
for this process. Given such examples and support, it's all the
more possible to create your parting in any way you choose. As Alan
Cohen (1999) said in Happily Even After, although pain is
a given "suffering is optional." Grieving loss is to be
expected, but who's to say that you must separate in anger or guilt,
or that you can't go on to enjoy a friendship that lasts a lifetime?
Ritual
is one of the most creative ways to transition from being married
or living together to being single — and perhaps being friends.
It can harness the tension and pain rolling through your life and
transform them into the positive emotional energy you need to gain
new awareness, promote healing and initiate the delicate process
of growth. Rage, conflict and revenge need not damage your heart
and the hearts of your children or compromise your future relationships.
The more conscious you can make your parting, the more life affirming
the end of your relationship will be for you, for your family and
for the world.
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