When I heard of a book dealing with rituals and ceremonies around divorce, I envisioned a feel-good, "we're all okay" kind of sedative. That's not what I found. Instead, Phil and Barbara Penningroth have assembled a comprehensive collection off rituals, services and other tools that real people can use to cope with the real pain of divorce.

Not only do they present several models of divorce services; they also have included comprehensive checklists to help people plan their own rituals and ceremonies and bring them alive in a personal way. Sprinkled throughout are the stories of people who have used rituals as part of their healing after divorce, some after tender, cooperative divorces, and some after bitter, rancorous divorces. Each of the stories, however, seems real. Each in its way is instructive.

I was delighted to see that, although the authors obviously have a sharply defined faith, they have lovingly gathered services, traditions, and perspectives from a wide variety of faith traditions. A great example of this is the chapter that explores the question "Is divorce a sin?" with contributions from Christian and Jewish clergy.

What makes this book so powerful is its consistent practicality. This is not a contemplative, introspective tour through someone else's emotional healing. It's a logical, methodical "How-to." As one example, consider the section for people who have a divorce service on what to consider doing on the one-year anniversary of that service (return to the place, set aside time for quiet meditation, recall favorite moments, celebrate progress, etc.)

Many people will be smart enough to read this book. A few will be so smart they will actually follow the advice in it. They, their children, and all who care about them will be the stronger for it.

Lee Borden divorceinfo.com

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When Barbara and Phil Penningroth decided to divorce, they created a ritual to honor the ending of the relationship as it had been honored in the beginning. That in itself is an innovation. They went further, however, and created a book which can provide countless others with the tools to do the same.

There are lots of books which purport to help people through divorce, Many of them go no further than to explain "this is how we did it, and if we did it so could you." That is good as far as it goes, but it doesn't go far enough. What about the couples where one is still consumed with hostility and the other wants to end it with dignity? How do you create a healing ritual if your former partner refuses to participate? What about the different societal and religious traditions? And on an even more basic level, why is ritual itself so powerful? What gives it such an ability to heal? They clearly explain the power of symbol, and why the ritual needs to be witnessed by someone else (i.e. public) as the original vows were, and why the act of creating your own ritual is an essential component of receiving the benefit of its healing power.

All of these questions are explored with sensitivity. The story of their own discovery of the power of ritual and ceremony is interwoven with case histories of others who have created rituals to symbolize the end of their relationship. The case histories are told in the first person, which gives them a compelling ring of truth.

They then give explicit instructions about how to construct your own ritual, with concrete examples and suggestions of ways in which you can personalize the process. I'm a fan of practical solutions which people can tailor to their own situations, and Phil and Barbara do an admirable job of providing lots of ideas and options which can be used to create your own process. I particularly like the way they weave together their own experience, the case histories of others, the explanation of why ritual and symbolism are so powerful, and suggestions of how to go about creating your own.

Having done all this and done it well, Phil and Barbara went one step further. They researched the various religious traditions, and provided sample rituals consistent with each.

In my nearly twenty-five years as a divorce lawyer, I've often been struck by the fact that, popular ideology notwithstanding, most people don't want to harbor bitterness indefinitely. They want to end the relationship which is no longer serving their needs in a way which preserves their dignity and heals the inevitable wounds. It is a sad commentary that our society not only provides no assistance to such people, but, to the contrary, almost forces them to be adversarial, blaming and hostile. It is not surprising that the method of accomplishing the growth and healing most people seek is not found in our traditional institutions, but outside of them. "A Healing Divorce" goes far toward filling this void. Anyone who sincerely wishes to develop a mechanism to symbolically heal and cleanse the ending of a relationship cannot fail to find useful and practical assistance in this book, regardless of the level of animosity which previously existed. I highly recommend it to anyone who, recognizing the toxicity of carrying bitterness and regret after the end of a relationship, seek to heal them instead.

For those who think there is no alternative to carrying bitterness and venom into their futures, I suggest that reading this book may change their minds and heal their lives.

M. Sue Talia, Family Law Attorney

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