(Carmel, California
2/1/01) A divorce ceremony is one of the most effective ways
to ease a break-up and promote healing for ex-spouses and their
children and families. So say Phil and Barbara Penningroth in
their just published book, A Healing Divorce: Transforming
the End of Your Relationship with Ritual and Ceremony.
The Penningroths
— she’s a therapist, he’s a writer — draw upon their own experience
creating what they call a parting ceremony to help end their 25
year marriage. They’ve also interviewed many others who have done
the same. These people’s stories, along with model rituals and
ceremonies, are featured in their book.
"Fifty percent
of all marriages end in divorce," Mr. Penningroth says. "It’s
a traumatic crisis for millions of people — and their children.
In fact, some experts believe that divorce is more difficult to
deal with than death. At least death is final; there’s a funeral
— a ritual that offers healing and closure. Divorce remains one
of the few life transitions for which we have no ritual — and
one that often feels like it will never end."
Actually, there
have been a few model rituals for divorce published in books during
the last decade, but the Penningroths say they’re scattered and
hard to find. Doing research, they also discovered that several
Christian denominations and Reform Judaism have created rituals
for divorce, but few people know about these, either.
"We wrote
the book," Ms. Penningroth says, "because our parting
ceremony was so healing for us, and we wanted to draw together
all the resources available and give people something they can
use to help them create and perform a ceremony of their own."
A healing divorce
may sound like an oxymoron, the Penningroths agree, but only because
we live in a culture that believes in the Myth of the Bad Divorce
— every break-up must be nasty and wounding. They say that the
same Myth promotes conflict between divorcing spouses through
an adversarial legal system.
"The fact
is that all marriages end in ritual now — a court hearing and
often combat between spouses and their lawyers," Mr. Penningroth
says. "It’s an angry, impersonal, demeaning process during
which everyone recites the usual ABCs of divorce — anger, bitterness,
contempt — and causes wounds that may never heal."
"In contrast,"
Ms. Penningroth says, "a parting ceremony created by a couple
— or even by just one spouse — remembers the good as well as the
bad of a relationship, the beautiful as well as the ugly, and
emphasizes caring and forgiveness. This can be profoundly healing
for the couple, and for their children and families."
In addition to
advice about how to create and perform a ceremony, there’s also
a chapter in the book that deals specifically with religious issues.
While they don’t believe divorce is a sin, the Penningroths take
the marriage vows seriously, and understand others do, too. But
they’ve found that religious attitudes toward divorce have evolved.
Ms. Penningroth says, "Many divorcing couples feel a lot
of guilt about breaking their vows — ‘ til death do us part’ —
but there’s a lot more compassion and flexibility in many churches
and synagogues than most people might think."
The Penningroths
also include chapters about how ritual can help children cope
with divorce and even the benefits of remaining friends with your
ex-spouse.
A unique feature
of the book is a contact list of contributers,both lay and clergy,
willing to help readers create and perform a parting ceremony
of their own.
A Healing Divorce
is being published by 1st Books, one of the new print-on-demand
publishers. Using the latest print-on-demand technology, 1st Books
publishes and makes books available for sale, print and distribution
one at a time through its publishing site, www.1stBooks.com.
Mr. Penningroth
says "We love the idea of a new publishing paradigm that
allows us to publish a quality book with overhead is so low that
it’s a win-win situation for everybody." The book is also
available online at traditional bookstores such as Amazon.com
and Barnes and Noble.
Both Phil and Barbara
Penningroth worked for many years as mental health professionals.
Barbara maintains a private practice as a Marriage and Family
Counselor. She currently lives in Grants Pass, Oregon. Phil is
a freelance writer with articles, stories, plays and over twenty
produced screenplays to his credit. He currently lives in Boulder,
Colorado.
